For a few years now, I’ve been using an app for regular journaling throughout the day. It helps me process my thoughts. In honor of Neurodiversity Celebration Week, I’m going to show you some unedited excerpts of what I wrote this week.

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We’re in an alien space ship

Except it’s not a ship really

It’s this bedroom

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High-achieving corporate girl unmasks her Autism and starts to discover confusing superpowers

—-

We are just blobs of atoms moving energy around

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It really feels like I’m in the liminal space

Where time is so very inconsistent 

——

As the categories, identities and constructs of the matrix dissolve in my mind, I see more nuance. More depth. More layers of abstraction. And with that, I’ve gradually become less verbal. It gets harder to put these thoughts into words because they are essentially visible to me on a quantum scale. Plus the whole picture hasn’t computed yet, so much of it is very fuzzy. I could tell a million stories in a million ways. And it’s hard to pull out the story I need to tell in a given moment.

It’s okay if I’m telling the story. But it’s hard for me to figure out how to respond to someone else’s story. 

I spent a lot of my life resisting who I am, but over the past few years, I’ve been unpacking all of that. Now it feels like I am a main character in an interdimensional, reality-bending sci fi story. It’s like I go to work and tune into this reality, and then I soar back through the cosmos the rest of the time. It’s a long commute. 

——

I guess it makes sense that I’m struggling so much. 

I used to ground myself in my identity. This is my job that I do well. These are my friends. This is my family.

Now most of that is gone.

So how do you ground yourself in an era of detachment?

From within

This is really hard when the external forces are so strong. You can’t anchor in those old roots 

So it makes sense that you are getting tossed around

So you spin until you catch it and stop it

I bet it will improve

But you betcha it is hard

—-

Do you ever really want to collapse, but you look around and see that there’s nowhere to land, so you just idk keep going?

It’s okay. We got this.

I’m landing right here.

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lol hold my beer